blundering through life

i miss you

2012-01-20T00:57:00.000Z

Well since my last blog, I've been in a really happy, good place and then tonight - BANG - that brick wall comes up again and I feel alone and scared and sad and anxious and worried. For no reason at all. I don't get it. Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours for this to happen. The only thing I can think of is that I am meeting friends tomorrow and Saturday. Am I nervous about meeting people I call my friends? Sometimes I wonder why I call them my friends... Isn't that an awful thing to say?! But none of them know how I really feel about life. Well not the ones I will be seeing over the weekend. One of them is like my second Mum which is lovely but we're meeting another two as well and I really wish it was just the two of us. Wow. Did I really just say that - how incredibly selfish am I?!
Then the ones I am meeting on Saturday, well I had to arrange that cause everything they arrange, they do without me. Maybe they've forgotten I've moved home. Maybe they just don't like me. But then they seemed happy to go for lunch on Saturday. I don't know the answer. Anyway they are all pretty and skinny and happy and to be honest I'm totally jealous. I HATE being jealous of people. HATE it but how can you not be when they are what you want to be?!
On Saturday evening I have to go to a house-warming party of my friend and her partner. I don't know how many people will be there, however, I do know that no matter how many people will be there I will not know anyone else. I want to stay at home and watch Take Me Out and watch movies and fantasise about what life would be like if I was pretty and thin and happy like people on telly and in the movies. But then staying in will just make everything worse. Or so they say.
I called this blog 'i miss you' because there are four people who were once part of my life who i miss so much that it sometimes hurts. i so wished i hadn't messed things up with them but i did. of course i did. i don't want to use names so i'll just go with numbers.

Number 1. Number 1 was my best friend. She was the only real best friend I have ever had. She knew EVERYTHING about me, she has been the only person who I felt comfortable telling everything to. We had sleepovers nearly every other weekend. We had every break and every lunch together at school. We got drunk together. We cried together. We laughed together. We laughed so much. And like proper belly laughs and silly giggles. She wasn't the most reliable person but that was just Number 1. I really don't know what happened. I was probably a bitch to her and she didn't put up with me. I sometimes wonder if I should get in touch through facebook or something but I'm worried that I was such a bitch that she won't forgive me. Or that she never thinks about me. She probably has replaced me with better people. So I try and forget about Number 1.

Number 2 was a really good friend at the start of 'big' school. She was loyal, reliable, funny, crazy. She was a great friend. We spent so much time together, again she was someone I could trust. I miss her too. But I was definitely nasty to her. I don't know why she put up with me so long. She embarrassed me in front of the 'cool' kids with her craziness and care free attitude. Well the 'cool' kids never bothered with me anyway and even if they did it would have been a loss to give up number 2 for those losers, so I lost an amazing friend for nothing. And now I don't have much. Oh how karma comes around.

Number 3 wasn't the most trustworthy person but I knew how much I could talk to her about. And I loved listening to her stories. She lost her Dad when we were 15, it was tough. I didn't know how to make her feel better. I cried for her. I cried for her Dad. He was a great guy, always winding us up, making us laugh and blush! We spent every Saturday together for a couple years. Then she became best friends with someone else at school, we grew apart a little. Then I messed up by going behind her best friends back and that was it.

Number 4 is a guy who was so lovely. We met online which I was always wary about. He really wanted to meet up, we chatted for MONTHS. We'd chat for hours at a time. He wanted to meet up for real but I always too scared and he was still always there when I needed him so I just thought that was how it would always be. I wouldn't meet him because I was scared he wouldn't like me when he saw how fat and ugly I was. I was worried with the whole safety online thing too. I thought he was too good for me and that there was someone else waaay better for him. I really thought we were good friends but then he met someone and said we had to stop being in touch. I know I was being ridiculous and that we couldn't actually stay in touch forever, I mean I didn't even meet him. But I think about him all the time. Well I did, I'm managing to think of him less as time goes on. He was just one of those people who were ridiculously easy to chat to. I think he knew more about than anyone else in my life. Maybe that was why I wouldn't meet him. He knew too much. Maybe I liked him for the anonymity. Maybe I would have felt like this about anyone I chatted to online. Maybe I need to think like that to get over him completely. Because I really, really need to. I can't have him in my head nearly all the time.

So, yey, those are the four people who are no longer in my life who I really wish still were. But they say that everything happens for a reason and that nothing that's meant to be will pass you by... Lets hope they are right. And they also say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger... Sometimes I wish it would kill me.

Life is hard. Why does it have to be hard? Is this punishment for all the crap I've pulled on people? Maybe it is just karma giving it back hard. I try so hard to stay positive and to eat healthy and to exercise and to socialise but then I just get overwhelmed in all this negativity again and it just feels like all that effort was such a waste of time. So much for 2012 being great. :/

epic FAIL

2012-01-05T01:28:00.000Z

Story of my life. I didn't manage to do the 'Cooper Gratitude' list thing. I never manage to do anything I set my mind to. I am so fed up of failing everything I set out to do. I just don't know how to change it... Like I try and accept things the way they are but something in my head just doesn't let me. I always find the negative bit of absolutely everything. I want to be a positive person but I do not know how. I want to be who I was when I was 12. I didn't worry about anything, I took things as they came. I lived for the present day, not in the past. If things didn't work out the way I wanted, whatever, shit happened but now I cannot get over things. Or maybe someone. Or probably both. Now I'm this pathetic excuse for a human being who is fed up of everything. Fed up of not having a job. Fed up of not having a well paid job. Fed up of losing friends. Fed up of being alone for what feels like will be forever. Fed up of getting fat again. Fed up of my parents hating me and being disappointed in me. I don't think fed up is the right word. If your fed up of something you do something about it. But I can't. I am horrible on a daily basis to my parents. I don't know why. I don't want to be but it just happens. What is that about?
I really want 2012 to be my year. I want to change into a positive person in 2012. I want to get back to my lowest weight and beyond in 2012. I want someone to want me in 2012. I need someone to want me in 2012. So here is to 2012 and its prospected awesomeness, come on 2012, show me just how awesome you can be. Please. :)

why is it so hard?!

2011-12-06T10:39:00.000Z

Why is smiling first thing in the morning so difficult? Sometimes I just cannot do it. Its like those muscles to let me smile are paralysed. I was listening to Bradley Cooper on Radio 1 the other day and he said he writes a gratitude list every morning he wakes up. I'm going to start something like that, maybe write out the top ten things about my life every day. Maybe that way I will stop taking the good stuff for granted. Maybe that way I will be able to smile every morning. I started my job the other day. Its ok. A bit mind numbing but no stress what so ever. Thats what I wanted right....?

lets start again

2011-11-30T23:56:00.000Z

Well I said I would make this blog about my fight against the negativity that I constantly have in my head but so far all I have done is rant on and on about what makes my life so shit. I had my first session with a 'counsellor' yesterday and it did not go how I thought it would. She tried to give me advice on how to sleep and the best way of losing weight and keeping it off and she said that I would be fine once I got a job. So what a waste of time that was... Did she even listen to me? I told her I had lost about 4 stone and then she went on about weight loss even though she said I looked fine. If people telling me I looked fine was enough to 'fix' me then I wouldn't have been there....

So I guess I am in this alone. I don't think anyone but myself can help me out in this life. I have made so many mistakes in the past (see previous blogs) and I'm sure to make loads more in the future but thats life right? I've moved back home and I'm here now whether I like it or not and I HAVE to make the most of it.

So here's what I'm going to do.
Every morning when I wake up I am going to smile. :D
Everyday I am going to get a hug from someone, even if its the dog.
Everyday I am going to laugh out loud.
Everyday I am going to get some exercise even if it is just walking the dog.
And most of all I am going to stop over analysing everything in life.

I am 21. Its meant to be an awesome age. I'll be 22 this month and my 22nd year is going to be amazing. I'm going to do what I want to do and be who I want to be and if that means working in shops and cafes for a year so be it. I'm going to stop trying to impress people and try and fit in with people. I'm going to stop comparing myself to other people. I have everything that I need: my family. And they have me, and yeh, they are lucky to have me. :) Me and all my crap that comes along with me.

wrong decisions...

2011-11-25T00:12:00.000Z

How can it be possible to be 21 years old and feel like I have never made the right choice in anything?
When do we start making our own decisions? 16? 18? 10? I think I was maybe 12 when I did the complete opposite to what my parents told me to do. I guess everyone goes through that phase, or nearly everyone. So my parents tried to make me exercise but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me eating crap but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me coming home for lunch on school days but I didn't. So of course at school I had hardly any friends. The friends I did have were awesome but of course I lost their friendship. I was fat because what do the loner kids do; slit their wrists or eat far too much or get lost in music or become a goth (and I'm sure plenty other stuff could be added to that list) but I chose food. So therefore I was ugly because lets be honest, have you ever seen a pretty fat girl? And I'm not talking just fat. I'm talking obese. When I was 17 I weighed 17 stone. It was DISGUSTING. So lets have a look at my 'timeline' so far...

Primary three, age 7: my best friend left, no other major events...

Primary six, age 10: my other best friend moved to another country

Primary seven, age 11: one of my best friends left. I told a lie about someone to try and make the 'cool' kids like me and of course it backfired

First year, age 12: I don't remember any major mishaps. made a couple of good friendships. pretty sure it was somewhere here that my head got messed up and I had serious separation anxiety when I was away from my parents. like so bad that I would cry going to school and ask to go to the nurse to get sent home... it has taken YEARS but its getting better....

Second year, age 13: I lost one of my best friends because I was trying to look 'cool'. why did I not learn my lesson the first time? got my tonsils removed and was rushed back in because it started bleeding. a doctor said I could have died if it had been bad enough. Sometimes things get so bad that I wish I had. But then I feel so incredibly guilty for wishing such a thing and of course that just makes everything worse.....

Third year, age 14: I have no idea how it happened but I lost another of my best friends

Fourth year: We were kinda busy with exams but again I messed up a couple friendships by trying to fit in with the 'cool' kids. see, I never learn my lesson

Fifth year, age 15: I gave up with the 'cool' kids, kept myself to myself and finally realised that the 'cool' kids were not what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be with

Sixth year, age 16: I quit school early. I couldn't cope with the arses at my school. I wasn't getting anywhere with my studies and I needed out. So I left school with minimal qualifications and the plan to start at uni on one of the only two courses I could get into. So for a few months I worked at a local shop until uni started.

Uni, age 17: I lasted six months and quit. Applied for nursing cause I didn't know what else to do. Excuse me? Yes that is correct. I did not know what else to do, nursing was the only other thing I had sufficient qualifications for so I applied and they let me in.

Uni Take 2, age 18: Well I managed to complete the course this time. Not an A+ student but no resits either so I guess that was something....

Time for a career but no jobs here so lets move away. Even though you hate being away from home...? Yes, I'll be fine! Lasted seven months. Well done. NOT.

Present day, age 21: waiting to start a job. A permanent job? No no, a temp job for over Christmas.

Nicely done you absolute moron. Nicely done.

regret

2011-11-21T16:28:00.001Z

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

I wish that was me saying those words. Especially the first 7. I have so many regrets. And regret is such a horrible thing. As everyone would know. I am sure the majority of people regret something at some point in their life. My Mum however, says she has no regrets. She is the most content person I have ever met in my life. She loves everything about life and I am sure she thinks she is one of the luckiest people in the world. I really upset my Mum a few months ago, I was in a really bad place and I told her that I had never been happy. She thought I meant happy with life but I meant happy with me, happy with who I was. I have definitely felt happiness and joy. My parents are incredible. My little brother is awesome. My dog is insane in the best way possible. My grandparents are great. I've been away on holiday so many times I can't keep track! I have seen so much of this incredible world we live in. I have all the latest technology I want. I have a car. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes, shoes, bags, dvds, music, books, money.

So what can possibly be making me so unhappy? Regrets? Guilt? Me? Me. And my regrets. I HATE who I am. I hate what I look like. I hate my personality. I hate that I give up at everything I start. I hate that I am horrible to my parents just because I am in a bad mood. I hate that I am lazy. I hate that I expect too much from people. I hate that I get homesick. I hate that I have no patience with some people. I hate that I'm rubbish at making friends. I hate that I am so selfish. I hate that I am such a negative person. I hate that I have no talent. I hate that I'm bad at everything I try. I hate that I let myself get fat. I hate that I lost good friends. I hate that I now have no best friend. I hate that my parents have to put up with me 24/7 because I have hardly any friends to go out with. I hate that I didn't try harder at school. I hate that I went to university. I feel like I am in a world of hatred and it is all my fault. Everything I do becomes negative one way or another. I need to get out of it. I just don't know how.

P.S. My mum brought me up to never use the word hate. Oops. I don't think another word would sufficiently describe how I feel.

welcome to my silly life

2011-11-13T02:36:00.000Z

well this is my first blog and i doubt anyone will find it interesting but i need somewhere to let things out so i thought this would be kinda perfect.

eight months ago i had a good life. i had a full time job (which i detested but it paid well), i lived nearby one of the greatest cities in the world and i had cheap rent in a house share. problem was, i lived 550 miles away from home and i couldn’t cope. how pathetic is that? we were in the same time zone so i could call anytime i wanted. it was a five hour door to door journey but it wasn’t enough. nothing ever seems to be enough for me but more on that another time.

so i quit the job, left the amazing people i was getting to know and came home. now i have no job and no idea what to do with my life.

about six weeks before i came home for good, i was home for a week and went to see my doctor who diagnosed me with depression. later this month i have an appointment with a counsellor so maybe i’ll blog my journey of trying to kick depression in the butt.