I do not know what is going on in my head. Like, life goes ok for a couple days then I just don't want to be here. And then I feel insanely guilty for thinking such an awful thing. I mean, who wants to give up on life? I so badly want to be happy and positive and care free and LOVE life but I just can't do it. I feel like I get so close then something in my head clicks and its all gone again. I am fed up of my head finding every negative thing about good, happy situations. Like I was at Olly Murs recently and one of his songs made my eyes water and I was nearly crying there!! It was about finding the one and I was thinking what if I'm alone my entire life? I thought who would want to spend their life with me?! I was comparing myself to all the other girls there and thinking there is just no chance that someone is going to choose me. I cannot stand the thought of having to live on my own and having no one to go home to but I also can't imagine anyone being crazy enough to want me.
And recently my 'best' friend, one of the only people (out of 2) who I thought understood me, just doesn't understand me. I was at her flat for a house party and we ended up playing that I've Never game and there was people there that I didn't know, people were drunk except me cause I had to drive home and it was just such an uncomfortable situation for me and I got really upset and was really struggling to hold it together so I had to leave. She was not impressed to say the least. I've tried to see her since but it hasn't happened....
So at the start of this month I decided that I could not go through this any longer, I arranged an appointment with a therapist. Unfortunately I can't afford a weekly session so its going to be fortnightly. I've only had one session so far but I really need this to work. I need this to work really bad or I don't know what else to do.
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