lets start again

Well I said I would make this blog about my fight against the negativity that I constantly have in my head but so far all I have done is rant on and on about what makes my life so shit. I had my first session with a 'counsellor' yesterday and it did not go how I thought it would. She tried to give me advice on how to sleep and the best way of losing weight and keeping it off and she said that I would be fine once I got a job. So what a waste of time that was... Did she even listen to me? I told her I had lost about 4 stone and then she went on about weight loss even though she said I looked fine. If people telling me I looked fine was enough to 'fix' me then I wouldn't have been there....

So I guess I am in this alone. I don't think anyone but myself can help me out in this life. I have made so many mistakes in the past (see previous blogs) and I'm sure to make loads more in the future but thats life right? I've moved back home and I'm here now whether I like it or not and I HAVE to make the most of it.

So here's what I'm going to do.
Every morning when I wake up I am going to smile. :D
Everyday I am going to get a hug from someone, even if its the dog.
Everyday I am going to laugh out loud.
Everyday I am going to get some exercise even if it is just walking the dog.
And most of all I am going to stop over analysing everything in life.

I am 21. Its meant to be an awesome age. I'll be 22 this month and my 22nd year is going to be amazing. I'm going to do what I want to do and be who I want to be and if that means working in shops and cafes for a year so be it. I'm going to stop trying to impress people and try and fit in with people. I'm going to stop comparing myself to other people. I have everything that I need: my family. And they have me, and yeh, they are lucky to have me. :) Me and all my crap that comes along with me.

wrong decisions...

How can it be possible to be 21 years old and feel like I have never made the right choice in anything?
When do we start making our own decisions? 16? 18? 10? I think I was maybe 12 when I did the complete opposite to what my parents told me to do. I guess everyone goes through that phase, or nearly everyone. So my parents tried to make me exercise but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me eating crap but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me coming home for lunch on school days but I didn't. So of course at school I had hardly any friends. The friends I did have were awesome but of course I lost their friendship. I was fat because what do the loner kids do; slit their wrists or eat far too much or get lost in music or become a goth (and I'm sure plenty other stuff could be added to that list) but I chose food. So therefore I was ugly because lets be honest, have you ever seen a pretty fat girl? And I'm not talking just fat. I'm talking obese. When I was 17 I weighed 17 stone. It was DISGUSTING. So lets have a look at my 'timeline' so far...

Primary three, age 7: my best friend left, no other major events...

Primary six, age 10: my other best friend moved to another country

Primary seven, age 11: one of my best friends left. I told a lie about someone to try and make the 'cool' kids like me and of course it backfired

First year, age 12: I don't remember any major mishaps. made a couple of good friendships. pretty sure it was somewhere here that my head got messed up and I had serious separation anxiety when I was away from my parents. like so bad that I would cry going to school and ask to go to the nurse to get sent home... it has taken YEARS but its getting better....

Second year, age 13: I lost one of my best friends because I was trying to look 'cool'. why did I not learn my lesson the first time? got my tonsils removed and was rushed back in because it started bleeding. a doctor said I could have died if it had been bad enough. Sometimes things get so bad that I wish I had. But then I feel so incredibly guilty for wishing such a thing and of course that just makes everything worse.....

Third year, age 14: I have no idea how it happened but I lost another of my best friends

Fourth year: We were kinda busy with exams but again I messed up a couple friendships by trying to fit in with the 'cool' kids. see, I never learn my lesson

Fifth year, age 15: I gave up with the 'cool' kids, kept myself to myself and finally realised that the 'cool' kids were not what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be with

Sixth year, age 16: I quit school early. I couldn't cope with the arses at my school. I wasn't getting anywhere with my studies and I needed out. So I left school with minimal qualifications and the plan to start at uni on one of the only two courses I could get into. So for a few months I worked at a local shop until uni started.

Uni, age 17: I lasted six months and quit. Applied for nursing cause I didn't know what else to do. Excuse me? Yes that is correct. I did not know what else to do, nursing was the only other thing I had sufficient qualifications for so I applied and they let me in.

Uni Take 2, age 18: Well I managed to complete the course this time. Not an A+ student but no resits either so I guess that was something....

Time for a career but no jobs here so lets move away. Even though you hate being away from home...? Yes, I'll be fine! Lasted seven months. Well done. NOT.

Present day, age 21: waiting to start a job. A permanent job? No no, a temp job for over Christmas.

Nicely done you absolute moron. Nicely done.

regret

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

I wish that was me saying those words. Especially the first 7. I have so many regrets. And regret is such a horrible thing. As everyone would know. I am sure the majority of people regret something at some point in their life. My Mum however, says she has no regrets. She is the most content person I have ever met in my life. She loves everything about life and I am sure she thinks she is one of the luckiest people in the world. I really upset my Mum a few months ago, I was in a really bad place and I told her that I had never been happy. She thought I meant happy with life but I meant happy with me, happy with who I was. I have definitely felt happiness and joy. My parents are incredible. My little brother is awesome. My dog is insane in the best way possible. My grandparents are great. I've been away on holiday so many times I can't keep track! I have seen so much of this incredible world we live in. I have all the latest technology I want. I have a car. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes, shoes, bags, dvds, music, books, money.

So what can possibly be making me so unhappy? Regrets? Guilt? Me? Me. And my regrets. I HATE who I am. I hate what I look like. I hate my personality. I hate that I give up at everything I start. I hate that I am horrible to my parents just because I am in a bad mood. I hate that I am lazy. I hate that I expect too much from people. I hate that I get homesick. I hate that I have no patience with some people. I hate that I'm rubbish at making friends. I hate that I am so selfish. I hate that I am such a negative person. I hate that I have no talent. I hate that I'm bad at everything I try. I hate that I let myself get fat. I hate that I lost good friends. I hate that I now have no best friend. I hate that my parents have to put up with me 24/7 because I have hardly any friends to go out with. I hate that I didn't try harder at school. I hate that I went to university. I feel like I am in a world of hatred and it is all my fault. Everything I do becomes negative one way or another. I need to get out of it. I just don't know how.

P.S. My mum brought me up to never use the word hate. Oops. I don't think another word would sufficiently describe how I feel.

welcome to my silly life

well this is my first blog and i doubt anyone will find it interesting but i need somewhere to let things out so i thought this would be kinda perfect.

eight months ago i had a good life. i had a full time job (which i detested but it paid well), i lived nearby one of the greatest cities in the world and i had cheap rent in a house share. problem was, i lived 550 miles away from home and i couldn’t cope. how pathetic is that? we were in the same time zone so i could call anytime i wanted. it was a five hour door to door journey but it wasn’t enough. nothing ever seems to be enough for me but more on that another time.

so i quit the job, left the amazing people i was getting to know and came home. now i have no job and no idea what to do with my life.

about six weeks before i came home for good, i was home for a week and went to see my doctor who diagnosed me with depression. later this month i have an appointment with a counsellor so maybe i’ll blog my journey of trying to kick depression in the butt.