regret

I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.

I wish that was me saying those words. Especially the first 7. I have so many regrets. And regret is such a horrible thing. As everyone would know. I am sure the majority of people regret something at some point in their life. My Mum however, says she has no regrets. She is the most content person I have ever met in my life. She loves everything about life and I am sure she thinks she is one of the luckiest people in the world. I really upset my Mum a few months ago, I was in a really bad place and I told her that I had never been happy. She thought I meant happy with life but I meant happy with me, happy with who I was. I have definitely felt happiness and joy. My parents are incredible. My little brother is awesome. My dog is insane in the best way possible. My grandparents are great. I've been away on holiday so many times I can't keep track! I have seen so much of this incredible world we live in. I have all the latest technology I want. I have a car. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes, shoes, bags, dvds, music, books, money.

So what can possibly be making me so unhappy? Regrets? Guilt? Me? Me. And my regrets. I HATE who I am. I hate what I look like. I hate my personality. I hate that I give up at everything I start. I hate that I am horrible to my parents just because I am in a bad mood. I hate that I am lazy. I hate that I expect too much from people. I hate that I get homesick. I hate that I have no patience with some people. I hate that I'm rubbish at making friends. I hate that I am so selfish. I hate that I am such a negative person. I hate that I have no talent. I hate that I'm bad at everything I try. I hate that I let myself get fat. I hate that I lost good friends. I hate that I now have no best friend. I hate that my parents have to put up with me 24/7 because I have hardly any friends to go out with. I hate that I didn't try harder at school. I hate that I went to university. I feel like I am in a world of hatred and it is all my fault. Everything I do becomes negative one way or another. I need to get out of it. I just don't know how.

P.S. My mum brought me up to never use the word hate. Oops. I don't think another word would sufficiently describe how I feel.