wrong decisions...

How can it be possible to be 21 years old and feel like I have never made the right choice in anything?
When do we start making our own decisions? 16? 18? 10? I think I was maybe 12 when I did the complete opposite to what my parents told me to do. I guess everyone goes through that phase, or nearly everyone. So my parents tried to make me exercise but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me eating crap but I wouldn't. They tried to stop me coming home for lunch on school days but I didn't. So of course at school I had hardly any friends. The friends I did have were awesome but of course I lost their friendship. I was fat because what do the loner kids do; slit their wrists or eat far too much or get lost in music or become a goth (and I'm sure plenty other stuff could be added to that list) but I chose food. So therefore I was ugly because lets be honest, have you ever seen a pretty fat girl? And I'm not talking just fat. I'm talking obese. When I was 17 I weighed 17 stone. It was DISGUSTING. So lets have a look at my 'timeline' so far...

Primary three, age 7: my best friend left, no other major events...

Primary six, age 10: my other best friend moved to another country

Primary seven, age 11: one of my best friends left. I told a lie about someone to try and make the 'cool' kids like me and of course it backfired

First year, age 12: I don't remember any major mishaps. made a couple of good friendships. pretty sure it was somewhere here that my head got messed up and I had serious separation anxiety when I was away from my parents. like so bad that I would cry going to school and ask to go to the nurse to get sent home... it has taken YEARS but its getting better....

Second year, age 13: I lost one of my best friends because I was trying to look 'cool'. why did I not learn my lesson the first time? got my tonsils removed and was rushed back in because it started bleeding. a doctor said I could have died if it had been bad enough. Sometimes things get so bad that I wish I had. But then I feel so incredibly guilty for wishing such a thing and of course that just makes everything worse.....

Third year, age 14: I have no idea how it happened but I lost another of my best friends

Fourth year: We were kinda busy with exams but again I messed up a couple friendships by trying to fit in with the 'cool' kids. see, I never learn my lesson

Fifth year, age 15: I gave up with the 'cool' kids, kept myself to myself and finally realised that the 'cool' kids were not what I wanted to be or who I wanted to be with

Sixth year, age 16: I quit school early. I couldn't cope with the arses at my school. I wasn't getting anywhere with my studies and I needed out. So I left school with minimal qualifications and the plan to start at uni on one of the only two courses I could get into. So for a few months I worked at a local shop until uni started.

Uni, age 17: I lasted six months and quit. Applied for nursing cause I didn't know what else to do. Excuse me? Yes that is correct. I did not know what else to do, nursing was the only other thing I had sufficient qualifications for so I applied and they let me in.

Uni Take 2, age 18: Well I managed to complete the course this time. Not an A+ student but no resits either so I guess that was something....

Time for a career but no jobs here so lets move away. Even though you hate being away from home...? Yes, I'll be fine! Lasted seven months. Well done. NOT.

Present day, age 21: waiting to start a job. A permanent job? No no, a temp job for over Christmas.

Nicely done you absolute moron. Nicely done.